I decided that it would be a great idea to start a blog. Not really, Im just bored and really want somewhere to vent about whatever it is that is currently chapping my hide. Todays chapping consits of my unhealthy lifestyle. This is actually more of a re-occuring chap than a spontanious one, but still a chap nonetheless. My story is this, I have been a chunky monkey my whole life…well, ok I was a skinny minnne til I was like 6. I remember being in 3rd grade and a little boy in my class told me, “You have a really pretty face, you would be really pretty if you lost weight”…WTF dude? You’re like 8 years old!!! That was when i realized I was “fat”..bummer eh? It only got worse from there, and I didnt really care. I was a smarty pants and had no friends cause I just couldnt relate to kids my age so it wasnt like I wanted to kiss a boy or anything, food was my BFF for reals. Fast forward to high school, that story is a new blog in itself, so we will skip to how I got super thin by doing drugs in HS. It was great, other than the fact that I was a DRUGGIE!! Ugh, so fast forward again to me getting my first job and realizing that I couldnt actually function in society and work while doing drugs, so I just stopped doing them. BUT, I got fat again. I think I was over 230 at some point. I worked nights by then and watched infomercials like crazy. I had just got my first credit card when I saw the info-merc on somthing called Thermo-Slim or something. Wow, all these fatties took this magic pill and the weight just fell off, woot. Ordered. i got my magic pills, which were basically a legal form of the drug I had quit 2 years before. Great. The upside was that I could take half the dose and not be a tweeker, so I did. I took those things every day for 3 months, I lost 80 lbs. I would get one sandwich a day and eat half for lunch and the other half for the next days lunch. I did that every day. You too can lose an insane amount of weight by eating 150 calories a day!!!!!! Yea, great. I actually kept the weight off for a long time, my poor tum tum had apparantly shrunk to the size of half a sandwich so I therefore ate much less than ever before. I think I gained back about 15 lbs and stayed at that weight for about 5 years. I had been suffering panic attacks for several years when I talked to a psychic, Carla Baron, she is awesomesauce and if anyone in cyberspace ever comes across this blog and just so happens to need a psychic reading, shes your gal! Anyways, she told me how to cure my anxiety more or less with these fancy supplements, (really it was a green drink and some grapeseed extract) but I like to think they were fancy. Indeed, they worked, within a week I had stopped having panic attacks alltogether and am happy to say that years later I still have not had another one. I stayed on that green drink, etc for a LONG time. I ended up losing about 20 lbs because I was supposed to take this stuff on an empty stomach, so I ended up eating less in my quest to get rid of my panic, I didnt care how hungry I was, if this was working, i was sticking to it. I felt better than I had ever in my life, I looked good, I felt good, things were great. Then I met the love of my life. I gained about 15 lbs again. Happy fat they call it. A friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and the dress I needed was only available in 3 sizes too big, or a size that needed about 3 inches of give for me to zip it. I thought, well, I have 3 months. I can drop 10 lbs and fit in this dress. And I did, I lost 15lbs in 3 months and felt great! I worked really hard though. This was the first time I didnt “cheat” to lose weight and it sucked balls!!!! I ate 5 small meals/snacks a day and bought an elliptical and the wii fit to do for 30 min 5 days a week. Of course I barely walked on the elliptical and only half assed the wii games, but it still worked. BUT, as soon as the wedding was over, I stopped my half assed excersize and began to not eat breakfast, or my other small meals for that matter and went back to eating lunch, and munching at night. Big no no for me. I gained back to 15 lbs in 6 months. Then I got married……. …. …. …. … and gained another 15. FML!!! I love my husband so much and he never tells me Im a chunky monkey, but my own insecurities get in the way so much. I have tried to get back on the eat healthy/excersize train, but I just fall off right away. The point of this long ass blog is this: Im Lazy, and I Dont Know How To Fix It. How do I get motivated? Do I want to look better? Yes! Do I want to feel comfortable in my skin, much less my clothes (ouch)? YES! Do I have the answer as to get there? Im still looking, and I promise myself I will find it. Somehow. Somewhere. it will come to me. I just hope I havent done any more damage by the time I get there.